Ever see the Grand Canyon? Manky had nothing to do with it, he just went there once on a family vacation.
The letters in Mohans' name can be rearranged to spell doom in twelve different languages, including Esperanto, but not French.
Unlike most other humans, Mohan can acutally travel through the Internet, exit at your PC, and kick your ass if he wants to.
Mohan once shot a German plane down with his finger by pointing at it and yelling, "Bang!"
Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Mohan. Mohan showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.
Mohan let the dogs out.
Mohan has caught all 386 pokemon. He says he won't trade any of them for anything.
If you take Mohan and subtract the letters o, h, m, n and a then add the letters j, e, s, u, and s--in that order--you end up with Jesus.
Mohan is the reason Jack is in a box.
Mohan was also born on krypton like superman. But unlike bitch-ass superman, Mohan walked here.
Mohan can make two wrongs make a right.
Mohan floats like a butterfly and stings like a tomahawk missile. At mach 3. In the face.
Mohan removed his funny bone after a tragic meeting were a young black man bumped into is elbow Mohan, feeling a strange tingling sensation, ripped out his funny bone and beat the black man beyond recognition. Micheal Jackson has not and never will recover from this encounter.
When Mohan breaks the law, the law doesn't heal.
Mohan can shoot a man with a knife.
Mohan' computer mouse is a real mouse.
A Mohan roundhouse kick moves at the speed of a Mohan roundhouse kick. Light and sound follow days later, for those still alive who witnessed it.
Some say you are what you eat. Mohan eats babies, but if you ever call him a baby he will roundhouse kick you back to infancy and eat you.
Peace, Yo!
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
Facts about Mohan
Some kids piss their name in the snow. Mohan can piss his name into concrete.
Mohanz calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Mohan
Mohan once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
Mohanz tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Mohan counted to infinity - twice.
Mohan was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
Mohan can speak braille.
Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Mohanz sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.
Mohan owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.
If you spell Mohan wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Mohan?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."
Mohan puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
On a high school math test, Mohan put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Mohan solves all his problems with Violence.
Mohan can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
Mohan can delete the Recycling Bin.
Superman owns a pair of Mohan pajamas.
Mohan can slam revolving doors.
Giraffes were created when Mohan uppercutted a horse.
Mohan sleeps with a night light. Not because Mohan is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Mohan
Mohan sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Mohan roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Mohan can kill two stones with one bird.
Bill G8s libs in constant fear dan Mohanz PC wil crash
Mohan doesn't need a miracle in order to split the ocean. He just walks in and the water gets the fuck out of the way.
The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Mohan.
It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Mohan can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.
Mohan can drown a fish.
The popular videogame "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from Mohan and forgot to pay him back.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Mohan could use to kill you, including the room itself.
Mnaky sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.
Circles exist because Mohan beat the crap out of some squares.
All of Mohanz genes are dominant.
Only once has Mohan ever cried. The only survivors were a bunch of animals and some dude named Noah.
On the sixth day, God said, "let there never be Mohan." On the seventh day, God was in the hospital.
As Mohan approaches zero, zero runs like a little bitch.
Mohan is the SI unit used to measure phear.
Getting murdered by Mohan counts as a natural cause of death.
Mohan irons his shirts while he's wearing them.
Mohan is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.
There is intelligent life in the universe, but they have not contacted Earth because they are avoiding Mohan. They owe him $5.
Mohan can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Peace, Yo!
Mohanz calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Mohan
Mohan once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
Mohanz tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Mohan counted to infinity - twice.
Mohan was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
Mohan can speak braille.
Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Mohanz sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.
Mohan owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.
If you spell Mohan wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Mohan?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."
Mohan puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
On a high school math test, Mohan put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Mohan solves all his problems with Violence.
Mohan can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
Mohan can delete the Recycling Bin.
Superman owns a pair of Mohan pajamas.
Mohan can slam revolving doors.
Giraffes were created when Mohan uppercutted a horse.
Mohan sleeps with a night light. Not because Mohan is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Mohan
Mohan sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Mohan roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Mohan can kill two stones with one bird.
Bill G8s libs in constant fear dan Mohanz PC wil crash
Mohan doesn't need a miracle in order to split the ocean. He just walks in and the water gets the fuck out of the way.
The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Mohan.
It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Mohan can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.
Mohan can drown a fish.
The popular videogame "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from Mohan and forgot to pay him back.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Mohan could use to kill you, including the room itself.
Mnaky sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.
Circles exist because Mohan beat the crap out of some squares.
All of Mohanz genes are dominant.
Only once has Mohan ever cried. The only survivors were a bunch of animals and some dude named Noah.
On the sixth day, God said, "let there never be Mohan." On the seventh day, God was in the hospital.
As Mohan approaches zero, zero runs like a little bitch.
Mohan is the SI unit used to measure phear.
Getting murdered by Mohan counts as a natural cause of death.
Mohan irons his shirts while he's wearing them.
Mohan is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.
There is intelligent life in the universe, but they have not contacted Earth because they are avoiding Mohan. They owe him $5.
Mohan can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Peace, Yo!
Friday, June 1, 2007
Lessons in K, Pt 5: Da Kless K
Baba Bitkel told this parable: A traveler, fleeing a tiger who was
chasing him, ran till he came to the edge of a cliff. There he
caught hold of a thick vine, and swung himself over the edge.
Above him the tiger snarled. Below him he heard another snarl, and
behold, there was another tiger, peering up at him. The vine
suspended him midway between two tigers.
Two mice, a white mouse and a black mouse, began to gnaw at the
vine. He could see they were quickly eating it through. Then in
front of him on the cliffside he saw a luscious bunch of grapes.
Holding onto the vine with one hand, he reached and picked a grape
with the other.
How delicious!
Manky hurd it n sed: "Tor ..."
n Baba Bitkel neber told parables agen.
A puzzled kalia once said to Dari: "You say truth can be
expressed without speaking, and without keeping silent. How can
this be?"
Dari answered, "In Southern KLand in the Spring, when I was
only a lad, ah! how birds sang among the blossoms."
Kalia sed: "no 1der ppl dun ask u 4 adbhyc!"
n Kalia was nlytened.
A kStud once asked the master Shanky if he would please
tell him the basic principle of BuddhismK. He did this by asking:
"Why did KMan come out of da kewl skul into da unkewl skul?"
"Wait," said Shanky. "Later, when there is no one around except us
two, I will tell you."
During the day they were alone together several times, and several
times da kStud started to ask his question again, but each time the
master put his fingers to his lips. Finally, da kStud insisted on an
answer. Shanky took him outside.
"There is no one here. Tell me!" said kStud.
Shanky whispered, "These bamboos here are tall. Those bamboos there
are short. That is why Kman came to da unkewl skul!"
n thus, da kStud was nlytened.
A K master named Gamla asked a young student to bring him a pail of water to cool his bath.
The student brought the water and, after cooling the bath, threw on to the ground the little that was left over.
"You dunce!" the master scolded him. "Why didn't you give the rest of the water to the plants? What right have you to waste even a drop of water in this kewl skul?"
The young student attained K in that instant. He changed his name to Tekisui, which means a drop of water.
n da yung stud replied: "dhusala...nijer naam cahnge kor!"
n da Gamla was nlytened.
Dari had studied with KMan since childhood. When he was twenty he wanted to leave his teacher and visit others for comparitive study, but KMan would not permit this. Every time Dari suggested it, KMan would give him a rap on the head.
Finally Dari asked an elder sister to coax permission from KMan. This the sister did and then reported to Dari: "It is arranged. I have fixed it for you to start on your pilgrimage at once."
Dari went to KMan to thank him for his permission. The master answered by giving him another rap.
When Dari related this to his elder sister the other said: "What is the matter? KMan has no business giving premission and then changing his mind. I will tell him so." And off she went to see the teacher.
"I did not cancel my permission," said KMan. "I just wished to give him one last smack over the head, for when he returns he will be enlightened and I will not be able to reprimand him again."
Dari hurd dis n was nlytened...After he came bak, he went 2 see kMan...n sed: " Jodi rap korish, tokey ...". N dari was neber rapped agen.
A K master named Manky lived in the latter part of the Jacky era. He used to say: "There are three kinds of kStuds: those who impart K to others, those who maintain the kewl skuls, and then there are the rice bags and the clothes-hangers."
n thus, da ryc bags wer nlytned...
K masters give personal gidance in a secluded room. No one enters while teacher and pupil are together.
Jimmy, the K master of da kewl sku;, used 2 enjoy talking with merchants and newspapermen as well as with his kSTuds. A certain rodmaker was almost illiterate. He would ask foolish questions of Jimmy, have tea, and then go away.
One day while the rodmaker was there Jimmy wished to give personal guidance to a disciple, so he asked the rodmaker to wait in another room.
"I understand you are a living K," the man protested. "Even the stone kMen in the kewl skul never refuse the numerous persons who come together before them. Why then should I be excluded?"
Jimmy raised an eyebrow n sed: "do u reeeeally wish 2 kno?"
da rodmaker considered....n went away..quickly. He had attained nlytenment.
Peace, Yo!
chasing him, ran till he came to the edge of a cliff. There he
caught hold of a thick vine, and swung himself over the edge.
Above him the tiger snarled. Below him he heard another snarl, and
behold, there was another tiger, peering up at him. The vine
suspended him midway between two tigers.
Two mice, a white mouse and a black mouse, began to gnaw at the
vine. He could see they were quickly eating it through. Then in
front of him on the cliffside he saw a luscious bunch of grapes.
Holding onto the vine with one hand, he reached and picked a grape
with the other.
How delicious!
Manky hurd it n sed: "Tor ..."
n Baba Bitkel neber told parables agen.
A puzzled kalia once said to Dari: "You say truth can be
expressed without speaking, and without keeping silent. How can
this be?"
Dari answered, "In Southern KLand in the Spring, when I was
only a lad, ah! how birds sang among the blossoms."
Kalia sed: "no 1der ppl dun ask u 4 adbhyc!"
n Kalia was nlytened.
A kStud once asked the master Shanky if he would please
tell him the basic principle of BuddhismK. He did this by asking:
"Why did KMan come out of da kewl skul into da unkewl skul?"
"Wait," said Shanky. "Later, when there is no one around except us
two, I will tell you."
During the day they were alone together several times, and several
times da kStud started to ask his question again, but each time the
master put his fingers to his lips. Finally, da kStud insisted on an
answer. Shanky took him outside.
"There is no one here. Tell me!" said kStud.
Shanky whispered, "These bamboos here are tall. Those bamboos there
are short. That is why Kman came to da unkewl skul!"
n thus, da kStud was nlytened.
A K master named Gamla asked a young student to bring him a pail of water to cool his bath.
The student brought the water and, after cooling the bath, threw on to the ground the little that was left over.
"You dunce!" the master scolded him. "Why didn't you give the rest of the water to the plants? What right have you to waste even a drop of water in this kewl skul?"
The young student attained K in that instant. He changed his name to Tekisui, which means a drop of water.
n da yung stud replied: "dhusala...nijer naam cahnge kor!"
n da Gamla was nlytened.
Dari had studied with KMan since childhood. When he was twenty he wanted to leave his teacher and visit others for comparitive study, but KMan would not permit this. Every time Dari suggested it, KMan would give him a rap on the head.
Finally Dari asked an elder sister to coax permission from KMan. This the sister did and then reported to Dari: "It is arranged. I have fixed it for you to start on your pilgrimage at once."
Dari went to KMan to thank him for his permission. The master answered by giving him another rap.
When Dari related this to his elder sister the other said: "What is the matter? KMan has no business giving premission and then changing his mind. I will tell him so." And off she went to see the teacher.
"I did not cancel my permission," said KMan. "I just wished to give him one last smack over the head, for when he returns he will be enlightened and I will not be able to reprimand him again."
Dari hurd dis n was nlytened...After he came bak, he went 2 see kMan...n sed: " Jodi rap korish, tokey ...". N dari was neber rapped agen.
A K master named Manky lived in the latter part of the Jacky era. He used to say: "There are three kinds of kStuds: those who impart K to others, those who maintain the kewl skuls, and then there are the rice bags and the clothes-hangers."
n thus, da ryc bags wer nlytned...
K masters give personal gidance in a secluded room. No one enters while teacher and pupil are together.
Jimmy, the K master of da kewl sku;, used 2 enjoy talking with merchants and newspapermen as well as with his kSTuds. A certain rodmaker was almost illiterate. He would ask foolish questions of Jimmy, have tea, and then go away.
One day while the rodmaker was there Jimmy wished to give personal guidance to a disciple, so he asked the rodmaker to wait in another room.
"I understand you are a living K," the man protested. "Even the stone kMen in the kewl skul never refuse the numerous persons who come together before them. Why then should I be excluded?"
Jimmy raised an eyebrow n sed: "do u reeeeally wish 2 kno?"
da rodmaker considered....n went away..quickly. He had attained nlytenment.
Peace, Yo!
Friday, May 25, 2007
Lessons in k, Pt 4
THE master Baba Bitkel had a visitor who came to inquire about K. But
instead of listening, the visitor kept talking about his own
ideas.
After a while, Baba Bitkel served tea. He poured tea into his visitor's
cup until it was full, then he kept on pouring.
Finally the visitor could not restrain himself. "Don't you see
it's full?" he said. "You can't get any more in!"
"Just so," replied Babs Bitkel, stopping at last. "And like this cup,
you are filled with your own ideas. How can you expect me to give
you K unless you offer me an empty cup?"
"lyk dis," sed da bhisitor, n he threw da tea on Baba Bitkel's face
n Baba Bitkel was nlytened.
THE MASTER Gamla said: "Neo, the first wheelmaker, made two
wheels. Each had fifty spokes. Suppose you cut out the hubs? Would
there still be a wheel?"
Manky sed: "d00d how many drugs r u on?"
n Gamla was nlytened.
TWO kMasters, Shanky and Baba Bitkel, were walking down a muddy street in
the city. They came on a lovely young girl dressed in fine silks,
who was afraid to cross because of all the mud.
"Come on, girl," said Shanky. And he picked her up in his arms,
and carried her across.
The two kMasters did not speak again till nightfall. Then, when they
had returned to the monastery, Baba Bitkel couldn't keep quiet any
longer.
"kMasters shouldn't go near girls,' he said ; "certainly not
beautiful ones like that one! Why did you do it?"
"My dear fellow," said Shanky. "I put that girl down, way back in
the city. It's you who are still carrying her!"
Once a student asked old Jimmy: "You teach that we must empty our
minds. I have nothing in my mind. Now what shall I do?"
"Throw it out!" said Jimmy.
"But I have nothing. How can I throw it out?"
"If you can't throw it out, carry it out! Drive it out! Empty it
out! But don't stand there in front of me with nothing in your
mind!"
Da kSTud tried 2 protest..seeing dis, Jimmy lifted an eyebrow
n da Kstud was nlytened.
Dari once asked Neo to explain to him the old
problem of the goose in the bottle. "If a man puts a gosling into
the bottle" he said, "and feeds the gosling through the
bottle-neck until it grows and grows and becomes a goose, and then
there just is no more room inside the bottle, how can the man get
it out without killing the goose, or breaking the bottle?"
"Dari!" shouted Neo, and gave a great clap with his hands.
"Yes, master," said the Dari with a start.
"See!" said Neo, "the goose is out!"
Manky said to Kman: "K is a man hanging from a tree over
a cliff. He is holding on to a twig with his teeth. His hands hold
no branch. His feet find no branch. Up on the cliff-edge a man
shouts at him: 'What is K?'
"If he fails to answer he is lost. If he answers, he dies. What
must he do?"
Kman replied: "_|_"
n Manky was nlytened.
A new kewl skul was to be opened, and the master Manky had to
decide which of his kStuds should be put in charge. So he called
the kStuds together, filled a vase with water, and said to them:
"Which one of you can say what this is without giving its name?"
The chief kStud, who expected to be given the new mastership, spoke
first. "It stands upright, it is hollow inside, but it is not a
wooden shoe," he said.
Another kStud said, "It is not a pond, because it can be carried."
Then the cook, lowest of the kStuds, arose. He kicked over the vase
with his foot, so the water ran out on to the floor. He had shown
how to achieve emptiness.
Manky gave him the job, n no1 was hungry in dat kewl skul eber agen.
But Manky neber got da money 4 da broken bhase.
n Manky was nlytened.
HERE is a story the K masters sometimes told: There was an old
woman who was born in the same town as Baba Bitkel, but ever since she
had been a little girl she had been afraid to face him, although
everyone assured her he was a very kd00d. Every time she
thought she might meet him, she ran away. One day she was on the
road which led to town, and she saw approaching a venerable man in
a saffron robe. It was Baba Bitkel. She was terrified. She couldn't
run, but she refused to look. She covered her eyes with her two
hands - but wonder of wonders! the tighter she covered her eyes,
the clearer she saw Baba Bitkel between each of her clenched
fingers. Tell me, who was the old lady?
Baba Bitkel replied: "Hw am i suposed 2 kno?"
Da Kman asked: "y r u getting so defensib?"
n Baba Bitkel knew he was finished...
WHILE Shanky was preaching quietly to his followers, his talk was
interrupted by an unql d00d who believed in miracles, and
thought salvation came from repeating unql words.
Shanky was unable to go on with his talk, and asked the d00d
what he wanted to say.
"The founder of my religion," boasted the d00d, "stood on one
shore of a river with a writing brush in his hand. His disciple
stood on the other shore holding a sheet of paper. And the founder
wrote the holy name of Porashona onto the paper across the river
through the air. Can you do anything so miraculous?"
"No," said Shanky, "I can do only little miracles. Like: when I am
hungry, I eat; when I am thirsty, I drink; when I am insulted, I
forgive."
n da unql d00d was nlytened.
Peace, Yo!
instead of listening, the visitor kept talking about his own
ideas.
After a while, Baba Bitkel served tea. He poured tea into his visitor's
cup until it was full, then he kept on pouring.
Finally the visitor could not restrain himself. "Don't you see
it's full?" he said. "You can't get any more in!"
"Just so," replied Babs Bitkel, stopping at last. "And like this cup,
you are filled with your own ideas. How can you expect me to give
you K unless you offer me an empty cup?"
"lyk dis," sed da bhisitor, n he threw da tea on Baba Bitkel's face
n Baba Bitkel was nlytened.
THE MASTER Gamla said: "Neo, the first wheelmaker, made two
wheels. Each had fifty spokes. Suppose you cut out the hubs? Would
there still be a wheel?"
Manky sed: "d00d how many drugs r u on?"
n Gamla was nlytened.
TWO kMasters, Shanky and Baba Bitkel, were walking down a muddy street in
the city. They came on a lovely young girl dressed in fine silks,
who was afraid to cross because of all the mud.
"Come on, girl," said Shanky. And he picked her up in his arms,
and carried her across.
The two kMasters did not speak again till nightfall. Then, when they
had returned to the monastery, Baba Bitkel couldn't keep quiet any
longer.
"kMasters shouldn't go near girls,' he said ; "certainly not
beautiful ones like that one! Why did you do it?"
"My dear fellow," said Shanky. "I put that girl down, way back in
the city. It's you who are still carrying her!"
Once a student asked old Jimmy: "You teach that we must empty our
minds. I have nothing in my mind. Now what shall I do?"
"Throw it out!" said Jimmy.
"But I have nothing. How can I throw it out?"
"If you can't throw it out, carry it out! Drive it out! Empty it
out! But don't stand there in front of me with nothing in your
mind!"
Da kSTud tried 2 protest..seeing dis, Jimmy lifted an eyebrow
n da Kstud was nlytened.
Dari once asked Neo to explain to him the old
problem of the goose in the bottle. "If a man puts a gosling into
the bottle" he said, "and feeds the gosling through the
bottle-neck until it grows and grows and becomes a goose, and then
there just is no more room inside the bottle, how can the man get
it out without killing the goose, or breaking the bottle?"
"Dari!" shouted Neo, and gave a great clap with his hands.
"Yes, master," said the Dari with a start.
"See!" said Neo, "the goose is out!"
Manky said to Kman: "K is a man hanging from a tree over
a cliff. He is holding on to a twig with his teeth. His hands hold
no branch. His feet find no branch. Up on the cliff-edge a man
shouts at him: 'What is K?'
"If he fails to answer he is lost. If he answers, he dies. What
must he do?"
Kman replied: "_|_"
n Manky was nlytened.
A new kewl skul was to be opened, and the master Manky had to
decide which of his kStuds should be put in charge. So he called
the kStuds together, filled a vase with water, and said to them:
"Which one of you can say what this is without giving its name?"
The chief kStud, who expected to be given the new mastership, spoke
first. "It stands upright, it is hollow inside, but it is not a
wooden shoe," he said.
Another kStud said, "It is not a pond, because it can be carried."
Then the cook, lowest of the kStuds, arose. He kicked over the vase
with his foot, so the water ran out on to the floor. He had shown
how to achieve emptiness.
Manky gave him the job, n no1 was hungry in dat kewl skul eber agen.
But Manky neber got da money 4 da broken bhase.
n Manky was nlytened.
HERE is a story the K masters sometimes told: There was an old
woman who was born in the same town as Baba Bitkel, but ever since she
had been a little girl she had been afraid to face him, although
everyone assured her he was a very kd00d. Every time she
thought she might meet him, she ran away. One day she was on the
road which led to town, and she saw approaching a venerable man in
a saffron robe. It was Baba Bitkel. She was terrified. She couldn't
run, but she refused to look. She covered her eyes with her two
hands - but wonder of wonders! the tighter she covered her eyes,
the clearer she saw Baba Bitkel between each of her clenched
fingers. Tell me, who was the old lady?
Baba Bitkel replied: "Hw am i suposed 2 kno?"
Da Kman asked: "y r u getting so defensib?"
n Baba Bitkel knew he was finished...
WHILE Shanky was preaching quietly to his followers, his talk was
interrupted by an unql d00d who believed in miracles, and
thought salvation came from repeating unql words.
Shanky was unable to go on with his talk, and asked the d00d
what he wanted to say.
"The founder of my religion," boasted the d00d, "stood on one
shore of a river with a writing brush in his hand. His disciple
stood on the other shore holding a sheet of paper. And the founder
wrote the holy name of Porashona onto the paper across the river
through the air. Can you do anything so miraculous?"
"No," said Shanky, "I can do only little miracles. Like: when I am
hungry, I eat; when I am thirsty, I drink; when I am insulted, I
forgive."
n da unql d00d was nlytened.
Peace, Yo!
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Teachings in K, Pt 3
Kman held up his pole and waved it before his kstuds.
"If you call this a pole," he said, "you deny its eternal life.
If you do not call this a pole, you deny its present fact. Tell
me just what do you propose to call it?"
Kstuds: "Tor ..."
At dis, Kman realised his kStuds had attained nlytenment.
a kstud asked of a kMaster: "A man sits on top of a hundred-foot pole. How can he
go farther up?"
anoda kStud answered: "He should reach for enlightenment. Then he can
stand up into all four corners of the sky at once.
Jimmy was standing nearby. He obserbhed: "do u rly want 2 kno?"
da kStud reflected upon dis, n was nlytened.
Shanky said to one of his kStuds, "Can you get hold of Emptiness?"
"I'll try" said the kStud, and he cupped his hands in the air.
"That's not very good," said Shanky. "You haven't got anything in here!"
"Well, master," said the kStud, "please show me a better way."
Thereupon Shanky seized the kStud's nose and gave it a great yank.
"Ouch!" yelled the kStud. "You hurt me!"
"That's the way to get hold of Emptiness!" said Shanky.
n da kStud was nlytened.
Manky said: "Suppose you meet a K master on the road. You can't
talk to him. You can't stand there silent. What can you do?"
Neo sed: "Whack him one."
n Manky was nlytened.
A famus fyter pylot came to a Kstud and asked: "Master,
tell me: is there really a heaven and a hell?"
"Who are you?" asked the Kstud.
"I am a pylot of the great Su-42."
"Nonsense!" said Hakuin. "What kind of Su-42 would have you
around it? To me you look like a beggar!" At this, the pylot
started to rattle his big sword in anger. "Oho!" said da kstud. "So
you have a sword! I'll wager it's much too dull to cut my head
off!"
At this the pylot could not hold himself back. He drew his sword
and threatened the kstud, who said: "Now you know half the
answer! You are opening the gates of hell!"
The pylot drew back, sheathed his sword, and bowed. "Now you
know the other half," said the kstud. "You have opened the gates
of heaven."
da pylot stud 4 sum tym, contempl8ing. den he sed: "Screw dis."
n he cut off da kstud's hed....
da oder kMasters gathered remrked, da pylot is nlytened."
Dari came to a K master, and said: "I am seeking the
k. In what state of mind should I train myself, so as to find
it?"
Said the master, "There is no mind, so you cannot put it in any
state. There is no k, so you cannot train yourself for it."
"If there is no mind to train, and no k to find, why do you
have these kstuds gather before you every day to study k and
train themselves for this study?"
"But I haven't an inch of room here," said the master, so how
could the kstuds gather? I have no tongue, so how could I call them
together or teach them?"
"Oh, how can you lie like this?" asked Dari. "But if I have no
tongue to talk to others, how can I lie to you?" asked the master.
Then Dari said sadly, "I cannot follow you. I cannot understand
you.
"I cannot understand myself," said the master.
n Dari was nlytened.
Basu said to a kStud, "If I see you have a staff, I will give it to
you. If I see you have no staff, I will take it away from you.
da kStud sed: "mukhey churey debo acid."
n Basu was nlytened.
Little Panchu was only twelve years old. But since he was a pupil at
the K temple, he wanted to be given a Klesson to ponder, just
like the more advanced students. So one evening, at the proper
time, he went to the room of Manky, the master, struck the gong
softly to announce his presence, bowed, and sat before the master
in respectful silence.
Finally the master said: "Panchu, show me the sound of two hands
clapping."
Panchu clapped his hands.
"Good," said the master. "Now show me the sound of one hand
clapping."
Panchu was silent. Finally he bowed and left to consider this
problem.
The next night he returned, and struck the gong with one palm.
"That is not right," said the master. The next night Panchu returned
and played drum music with one hand. "That is not right," said
the master. The next night Panchu returned, and imitated the
dripping of water.
"That is not right," said the master. The next night Panchu
returned, and imitated the cricket scraping his leg. "That is
still not right," said the master.
For ten nights Panchu tried new sounds. At last he stopped coming to
the master. For a year he thought of every sound, and discarded
them all, until fnally he reached enlightenment.
He returned respectfully to the master. Without striking the gong,
he sat down and bowed. "I have heard sound without sound," he
said.
Manky hurd da answer. Slowly he rose n came mear Panchu... n slapped him.
"Dat", he sed, "is da sound of one hand clapping."
n Panchu was truly nlytened.
Kman said to his disciples; "Each of you has a pair of ears,
but what have you ever heard with them? Each of you has a mouth,
but what have you ever said with it? Each of you has eyes, but
what have you ever seen with them? No, no! You have never heard,
never spoken, never seen, never smelled. But in such a case where do all these colors, shapes, sounds,smells, come from?"
Gamla was passing by n he oberhurd da Kman n he sed: "_|_"
n da Kman was nlytened.
The master Gamla showed his wisdom even as a child. Once he broke
the precious heirloom teacup of his teacher, and was greatly
upset. While he was wondering what to do, he heard his teacher
coming. Quickly he hid the pieces of the cup under his robe.
"Master," he said, "why do things die?"
"It is perfectly natural for things to die and for the matter
gathered in them to separate and disintegrate," said the teacher.
"When its time has come every person and every thing must go.
"Master," said little Gamla, showing the pieces, "it was time for
your cup to go.
n da teacup was nlytened...it's w8 decreased.
A kstud came before the master Dari and asked to be helped in
getting rid of his violent temper.
"Show me this temper," said Dari. "It sounds very fascinating."
"I haven't got it right now, so I can't show it to you, said the
student.
"Well then," said Dari,"bring it to me when you have it."
"But I can't bring it just when I happen to have it," protested
the student. "I'd surely lose it again before I got it to you.
"In such a case," said Dari, "it seems to me that this temper is
not part of your true nature. If it is not part of you, it must
come into you from outside. I suggest that whenever it gets into
you, you beat yourself with a stick until the temper can't stand
it, and runs away."
n dis is y no1 asks Dari 4 adbhyc.
"If you call this a pole," he said, "you deny its eternal life.
If you do not call this a pole, you deny its present fact. Tell
me just what do you propose to call it?"
Kstuds: "Tor ..."
At dis, Kman realised his kStuds had attained nlytenment.
a kstud asked of a kMaster: "A man sits on top of a hundred-foot pole. How can he
go farther up?"
anoda kStud answered: "He should reach for enlightenment. Then he can
stand up into all four corners of the sky at once.
Jimmy was standing nearby. He obserbhed: "do u rly want 2 kno?"
da kStud reflected upon dis, n was nlytened.
Shanky said to one of his kStuds, "Can you get hold of Emptiness?"
"I'll try" said the kStud, and he cupped his hands in the air.
"That's not very good," said Shanky. "You haven't got anything in here!"
"Well, master," said the kStud, "please show me a better way."
Thereupon Shanky seized the kStud's nose and gave it a great yank.
"Ouch!" yelled the kStud. "You hurt me!"
"That's the way to get hold of Emptiness!" said Shanky.
n da kStud was nlytened.
Manky said: "Suppose you meet a K master on the road. You can't
talk to him. You can't stand there silent. What can you do?"
Neo sed: "Whack him one."
n Manky was nlytened.
A famus fyter pylot came to a Kstud and asked: "Master,
tell me: is there really a heaven and a hell?"
"Who are you?" asked the Kstud.
"I am a pylot of the great Su-42."
"Nonsense!" said Hakuin. "What kind of Su-42 would have you
around it? To me you look like a beggar!" At this, the pylot
started to rattle his big sword in anger. "Oho!" said da kstud. "So
you have a sword! I'll wager it's much too dull to cut my head
off!"
At this the pylot could not hold himself back. He drew his sword
and threatened the kstud, who said: "Now you know half the
answer! You are opening the gates of hell!"
The pylot drew back, sheathed his sword, and bowed. "Now you
know the other half," said the kstud. "You have opened the gates
of heaven."
da pylot stud 4 sum tym, contempl8ing. den he sed: "Screw dis."
n he cut off da kstud's hed....
da oder kMasters gathered remrked, da pylot is nlytened."
Dari came to a K master, and said: "I am seeking the
k. In what state of mind should I train myself, so as to find
it?"
Said the master, "There is no mind, so you cannot put it in any
state. There is no k, so you cannot train yourself for it."
"If there is no mind to train, and no k to find, why do you
have these kstuds gather before you every day to study k and
train themselves for this study?"
"But I haven't an inch of room here," said the master, so how
could the kstuds gather? I have no tongue, so how could I call them
together or teach them?"
"Oh, how can you lie like this?" asked Dari. "But if I have no
tongue to talk to others, how can I lie to you?" asked the master.
Then Dari said sadly, "I cannot follow you. I cannot understand
you.
"I cannot understand myself," said the master.
n Dari was nlytened.
Basu said to a kStud, "If I see you have a staff, I will give it to
you. If I see you have no staff, I will take it away from you.
da kStud sed: "mukhey churey debo acid."
n Basu was nlytened.
Little Panchu was only twelve years old. But since he was a pupil at
the K temple, he wanted to be given a Klesson to ponder, just
like the more advanced students. So one evening, at the proper
time, he went to the room of Manky, the master, struck the gong
softly to announce his presence, bowed, and sat before the master
in respectful silence.
Finally the master said: "Panchu, show me the sound of two hands
clapping."
Panchu clapped his hands.
"Good," said the master. "Now show me the sound of one hand
clapping."
Panchu was silent. Finally he bowed and left to consider this
problem.
The next night he returned, and struck the gong with one palm.
"That is not right," said the master. The next night Panchu returned
and played drum music with one hand. "That is not right," said
the master. The next night Panchu returned, and imitated the
dripping of water.
"That is not right," said the master. The next night Panchu
returned, and imitated the cricket scraping his leg. "That is
still not right," said the master.
For ten nights Panchu tried new sounds. At last he stopped coming to
the master. For a year he thought of every sound, and discarded
them all, until fnally he reached enlightenment.
He returned respectfully to the master. Without striking the gong,
he sat down and bowed. "I have heard sound without sound," he
said.
Manky hurd da answer. Slowly he rose n came mear Panchu... n slapped him.
"Dat", he sed, "is da sound of one hand clapping."
n Panchu was truly nlytened.
Kman said to his disciples; "Each of you has a pair of ears,
but what have you ever heard with them? Each of you has a mouth,
but what have you ever said with it? Each of you has eyes, but
what have you ever seen with them? No, no! You have never heard,
never spoken, never seen, never smelled. But in such a case where do all these colors, shapes, sounds,smells, come from?"
Gamla was passing by n he oberhurd da Kman n he sed: "_|_"
n da Kman was nlytened.
The master Gamla showed his wisdom even as a child. Once he broke
the precious heirloom teacup of his teacher, and was greatly
upset. While he was wondering what to do, he heard his teacher
coming. Quickly he hid the pieces of the cup under his robe.
"Master," he said, "why do things die?"
"It is perfectly natural for things to die and for the matter
gathered in them to separate and disintegrate," said the teacher.
"When its time has come every person and every thing must go.
"Master," said little Gamla, showing the pieces, "it was time for
your cup to go.
n da teacup was nlytened...it's w8 decreased.
A kstud came before the master Dari and asked to be helped in
getting rid of his violent temper.
"Show me this temper," said Dari. "It sounds very fascinating."
"I haven't got it right now, so I can't show it to you, said the
student.
"Well then," said Dari,"bring it to me when you have it."
"But I can't bring it just when I happen to have it," protested
the student. "I'd surely lose it again before I got it to you.
"In such a case," said Dari, "it seems to me that this temper is
not part of your true nature. If it is not part of you, it must
come into you from outside. I suggest that whenever it gets into
you, you beat yourself with a stick until the temper can't stand
it, and runs away."
n dis is y no1 asks Dari 4 adbhyc.
A new kStud came up to the master Manky. "I have just entered the
brotherhood and I am anxious to learn the first principle of K,"
he said. "Will you please teach it to me?"
Manky said, "Have you eaten your supper?"
The novice answered, "I have eaten."
Manky said, "Now wash your bowl."
n da kStud was nlytened.
Peace, Yo!
Lessons in K Pt. 2: Da Chaapless Chaap
A Gamla asked a Kstud when he was weighing some flax: `What is K?'
Da Kstud said: `This flax weighs three pounds.'
Da Gamla said: 'Tor ...'
n da Kstud was nlytened
Dari asked Jack: `The world is such a wide world, why do you answer a bell and don ceremonial robes?'
Jim replied: 'Would u rather dat he didnt don ne robe?'
n Dari was nlytened
Gamla asked Manky: `What is the path?'
Manky said: `Everyday life is the path.'
Gamla asked: `Can it be studied?'
Manky said: `If you try to study, you will be far away from it.'
Gamla asked: `If I do not study, how can I know it is the path?'
Manky said: `Tor m*key.'
At these words Gamla was enlightened.
A Kstud asked Neo: `What is K?' Neo answered him: `Dried dung.'
n da Kstud was nlytened.
A Kstud asked Kman: `Without speaking, without silence, how can you express the truth?'
Kman replied: _|_
n da Kstud was nlytened.
Shanky of da kewl skul was about to lecture before dinner when he noticed that the bamboo screen lowered for meditation had not been rolled up. He pointed to it. Two Kstuds arose from the audience and rolled it up.
Shanky, observing the physical mobhement, said: `The phuchaar of the first Kstud is good, not that of the other.'
Dari was studying K under Shanky. One night he came to Shanky and asked many questions. The teacher said: `The night is getting old. Why don't you retire?'
So Daribowed and opened the screen to go out, observing: `It is very dark outside.'
Shanky offered Dari a lighted candle to find his way. Just as Dari received it, Shanky blew it out. At that moment the mind of Dari was opened.
`What have you attained?' asked Shanky.
Dari sed: 'I hab attained nlytenment. My w8 decreases'
At dat moment, Shanky pushed Dari down da stairs.
n Dari was nlytened.
A travelling Kstud asked an old woman the road to da kewl skul, a popular Kplace supposed to give wisdom to the one who goes there. The old woman said: `Go straight ahead.' When the Kstud proceeded a few steps, she said to herself: `He also is a common k-doer.'
Someone told this incident to Manky, who said: `Wait until I investigate.' The next day he went and asked the same question, and the old woman gave the same answer.
Manky remarked: `I have investigated that old woman.'
n da Kstud was nlytened.
Da old woman hurd dis, sed 2 Manky: 'Tor ...'
n Manky was nlytened.
Peace, Yo!
Da Kstud said: `This flax weighs three pounds.'
Da Gamla said: 'Tor ...'
n da Kstud was nlytened
Dari asked Jack: `The world is such a wide world, why do you answer a bell and don ceremonial robes?'
Jim replied: 'Would u rather dat he didnt don ne robe?'
n Dari was nlytened
Gamla asked Manky: `What is the path?'
Manky said: `Everyday life is the path.'
Gamla asked: `Can it be studied?'
Manky said: `If you try to study, you will be far away from it.'
Gamla asked: `If I do not study, how can I know it is the path?'
Manky said: `Tor m*key.'
At these words Gamla was enlightened.
A Kstud asked Neo: `What is K?' Neo answered him: `Dried dung.'
n da Kstud was nlytened.
A Kstud asked Kman: `Without speaking, without silence, how can you express the truth?'
Kman replied: _|_
n da Kstud was nlytened.
Shanky of da kewl skul was about to lecture before dinner when he noticed that the bamboo screen lowered for meditation had not been rolled up. He pointed to it. Two Kstuds arose from the audience and rolled it up.
Shanky, observing the physical mobhement, said: `The phuchaar of the first Kstud is good, not that of the other.'
Dari was studying K under Shanky. One night he came to Shanky and asked many questions. The teacher said: `The night is getting old. Why don't you retire?'
So Daribowed and opened the screen to go out, observing: `It is very dark outside.'
Shanky offered Dari a lighted candle to find his way. Just as Dari received it, Shanky blew it out. At that moment the mind of Dari was opened.
`What have you attained?' asked Shanky.
Dari sed: 'I hab attained nlytenment. My w8 decreases'
At dat moment, Shanky pushed Dari down da stairs.
n Dari was nlytened.
A travelling Kstud asked an old woman the road to da kewl skul, a popular Kplace supposed to give wisdom to the one who goes there. The old woman said: `Go straight ahead.' When the Kstud proceeded a few steps, she said to herself: `He also is a common k-doer.'
Someone told this incident to Manky, who said: `Wait until I investigate.' The next day he went and asked the same question, and the old woman gave the same answer.
Manky remarked: `I have investigated that old woman.'
n da Kstud was nlytened.
Da old woman hurd dis, sed 2 Manky: 'Tor ...'
n Manky was nlytened.
Peace, Yo!
Monday, May 21, 2007
Lessons in K
A Kstud asked Manky, a K master: `Has a cow K-nature or not?'
Manky answered: `Moo.'
Manky raised his finger whenever he was asked a question about K. A boy attendant began to imitate him in this way. When anyone asked the boy what his master had preached about, the boy would raise his finger.
Manky heard about the boy's mischief. He seized him and cut off his finger. The boy cried and ran away. Manky called and stopped him. When the boy turned his head to Manky, Manky raised up his own finger. In that instant the boy was enlightened.
When Manky was about to pass from this world he gathered his Kstuds around him. `I attained my finger-K,' he said, `from my teacher Foo, and in my whole life I could not exhaust it.' Then he passed away.
Neo asked: `Why does the enlightened man not stand on his feet and explain himself?' And he also said: `It is not necessary for speech to come from the tongue.'
Two students of K were arguing about a pole. One said: `The pole is moving.'
The other said: `The wind is moving.'
The Kman happened to be passing by. He told them: `Not the wind, not the pole; ur mind is moving.'
Shanky complained when he saw a picture of the bearded Dari: `Why hasn't that fellow a beard?'
Da Kman sed: Bhonjo!
n Shanky was nlytened
Dari called out to himself every day: `Master.'
Then he answered himself: `Yes, sir.'
And after that he added: `Become sober.'
Again he answered: `Yes, sir.'
`And after that,' he continued, `do not be deceived by others.'
`Yes, sir; yes, sir,' he answered.
Neo went to the dining room from the K hall holding his bowl. Dari was on duty cooking. When he met Neo he said: `The dinner ball is not yet beaten. Where are you going with your bowl?'
So Neo returned to his room.
Dari told Shanky about this. Shanky said: `Old Neo did not understand the ultimate k.'
Neo heard of this remark and asked Shanky to come to him. `I have heard,' he said, `you are not approving my K.' Shanky admitted this indirectly. Neo said nothing.
The next day Neo delivered an entirely different kind of lecture to the Kstuds. Shanky laughed and clapped his hands, saying: `I see our old man understands the ultimate truth indeed. None in keo can surpass him.'
Neo saw the Kstuds fighting over a pole. He seized the pole and told the monks: `If any of you say a good word, you can save the pole.'
No one answered. So Neo boldly cut the pole in two pieces.
That evening Manky returned and Neo told him about this. Manky removed his sandals and, placing them on his head, walked out.
Neo said: `If you had been there, you could have saved the pole.'
Shanky called to his attendant: `Mota.'
Mota answered: `Yes.'
Shanky repeated, to test his pupil: `Mota.'
Mota repeated: `Yes.'
Shanky called: `Mota.'
Mota answered: `Yes.'
Shanky said `I ought to apologize for you for all this calling, but really you ought to apologize to me.'
Mota answered: 'Tor ...'
n Shanky was nlytened
Peace, Yo!
Manky answered: `Moo.'
Manky raised his finger whenever he was asked a question about K. A boy attendant began to imitate him in this way. When anyone asked the boy what his master had preached about, the boy would raise his finger.
Manky heard about the boy's mischief. He seized him and cut off his finger. The boy cried and ran away. Manky called and stopped him. When the boy turned his head to Manky, Manky raised up his own finger. In that instant the boy was enlightened.
When Manky was about to pass from this world he gathered his Kstuds around him. `I attained my finger-K,' he said, `from my teacher Foo, and in my whole life I could not exhaust it.' Then he passed away.
Neo asked: `Why does the enlightened man not stand on his feet and explain himself?' And he also said: `It is not necessary for speech to come from the tongue.'
Two students of K were arguing about a pole. One said: `The pole is moving.'
The other said: `The wind is moving.'
The Kman happened to be passing by. He told them: `Not the wind, not the pole; ur mind is moving.'
Shanky complained when he saw a picture of the bearded Dari: `Why hasn't that fellow a beard?'
Da Kman sed: Bhonjo!
n Shanky was nlytened
Dari called out to himself every day: `Master.'
Then he answered himself: `Yes, sir.'
And after that he added: `Become sober.'
Again he answered: `Yes, sir.'
`And after that,' he continued, `do not be deceived by others.'
`Yes, sir; yes, sir,' he answered.
Neo went to the dining room from the K hall holding his bowl. Dari was on duty cooking. When he met Neo he said: `The dinner ball is not yet beaten. Where are you going with your bowl?'
So Neo returned to his room.
Dari told Shanky about this. Shanky said: `Old Neo did not understand the ultimate k.'
Neo heard of this remark and asked Shanky to come to him. `I have heard,' he said, `you are not approving my K.' Shanky admitted this indirectly. Neo said nothing.
The next day Neo delivered an entirely different kind of lecture to the Kstuds. Shanky laughed and clapped his hands, saying: `I see our old man understands the ultimate truth indeed. None in keo can surpass him.'
Neo saw the Kstuds fighting over a pole. He seized the pole and told the monks: `If any of you say a good word, you can save the pole.'
No one answered. So Neo boldly cut the pole in two pieces.
That evening Manky returned and Neo told him about this. Manky removed his sandals and, placing them on his head, walked out.
Neo said: `If you had been there, you could have saved the pole.'
Shanky called to his attendant: `Mota.'
Mota answered: `Yes.'
Shanky repeated, to test his pupil: `Mota.'
Mota repeated: `Yes.'
Shanky called: `Mota.'
Mota answered: `Yes.'
Shanky said `I ought to apologize for you for all this calling, but really you ought to apologize to me.'
Mota answered: 'Tor ...'
n Shanky was nlytened
Peace, Yo!
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