Tuesday, March 27, 2007

English essay: My first flight

Flying in the air like a bird was my dream ever since I was a small child. But I did not ever get a chance to fly in an aeroplane. When I was a little boy in my native village, my father died, and I had to look after my family. Bringing up my three younger sisters and marrying them off required a dowry. The strain on my finances did not allow me to fulfill my dream of flying in an aeroplane.
However, now, at fifty years of age, I can finally fulfill my dream. My son, who works in a multinational company, has sent me a ticket for me to go and meet him in the city of Bengaluru. The ticket was an air-ticket – from Patna to Bengaluru on Air Deccan flight no. 420.
I arrived in Patna from my village by train. From the station I took a taxi to the airport. I was extremely nervous about how the airport would be. I hoped that they would not refuse to let me on the plane because of my rustic looks.
However, when I arrived at the airport, all my fears were set to rest, because I saw hat it was not much different from a railway station. There were a lot of people who looked like it was the first time on an airplane for them too. I now took courage – surely they would not throw all of us out of the plane?
However, looking at the vast multitudes of people I began to wonder how all the people would be accommodated on the plane. Panic seized me, I knew that I had to get on the plane as soon as possible.
Looking around, I saw a person sitting behind a counter with the same logo as my ticket. I presented my ticket to him. He looked ai it and told me in Hindi to a place where there was another counter with the same logo. When I arrived there, the lady behind the counter asked me for my name and other details, and them gave me an important-looking piece of paper, and told me to go to a place called “Security Check”.
As soon as I reached the place, I was scared. I saw two policemen with big guns standing on either side of me. In front of me, another policeman was asking a man some questions with a table-tennis racquet shaped thing in his hand. I started shaking, because I knew that the policeman would take me to jail. I closed my eyes and prayed to all the Gods that I knew of, to save me. My prayers were answered, it seems, for after making some beeping noises, the man and his table-tennis racquet told me to go on.
Relieved, I now stood in a line to board the plane. We were put on a bus and taken to the plane. How large the plane was! How terrifyingly it roared! I knew that this thing would not be able to move on it’s own. Maybe the passengers would have to push the plane! Maybe that is why there were so many passengers – not all of them would get to sit in the plane.
I, then, climbed the stairs and went inside the plane. I suddenly felt cold. A lady took my slip of paper, and took me to my seat. I had been prepared to fight for my seat just like in the ‘Jansatta Express’ from Bhagalpur station, but I now saw that there were enough seats for everyone.
The lady then gave me some cotton. “For your ears”, she said, and then showed me how to lock the seat belt. I felt sorry for the kind lady. Everyone knows that ears do not need cotton, and in any case, my ears were clean enough (I had cleaned them before the journey).
Then the plane started shaking, and I felt scared again. Perhaps, the plane was going to throw me off! I held on to my seat wit all my might. After a long time, it started moving. Suddenly we started going very fast, and suddenly, the ground fell away. My ears started paining (I had thrown away the cotton). Soon we were above the clouds. I looked at the white sea below. After some time, the scenery became dull and boring, so I fell asleep.
When I woke up, the plane had started landing. My ears started paining again. I tried to look for my cotton, but in vain. The plane landed on the ground, and my kind lady’s voice could be heard saying in Hindi, “ Please stay seated. We don’t want any of our passengers to arrive before the plane does.”
By now, the plane had come to a halt, and I said goodbye to the kind lady, and came out of the plane. I felt very hot quite suddenly, almost as if the plane was somehow was colder than the rest of the place. I knew that was impossible, and as I walked towards my son, I thought that I must be getting dementia in my old age….

Thursday, March 22, 2007


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Dear Friend
I am Hassan Freed, the bill and exchange manager at the foreign
remittance department of bank of africa. I got your contact from the
internet ,while seaching for an honest and trust worthy person, who will
assist me to implement this transfer, I discovered the sum of (Fiftheen
Millon five hundredThousand) United States Dollars (USD15.5M) belonging to a
deceased customer of this bank. The fund has been lying in a suspence
account without anybody coming to put claim over the money since the account
owner late Mr Salla khatif from Lebanese , who was involved in the December
26th 2003 Benin AT POSTED 11.15AMEST (16.15GMT)2003 AT BENIN PLANE CRASH
HERE IS THE air crash website on cnn =

The said fund is now ready for transfer to a foriegn account whose owner
will be portrayed as the beneficiary and next of kin to the deceased
customer of the bank.

Since we got information about his death, we have been expecting his next if
kin to come over and claim his money because we cannot release it unless
somebody applies for it as next of kin or relation to the deceased as
indicated in our banking guidlines and laws but unfortunately we learnt that
all his supposed next of kin or relation died alongside with him at the
plane crash leaving nobody behind for the claim.

It is therefore upon this discovery that I decided to make this business
proposal to you and release the money to you as the next of kin or relation
to the deceased for safety and subsequent disbursement since nobody is
coming for it and I don't want this money to go into the bank treasury as
unclaimed bill.

The banking law and guidline here stipulates that if such money remained
unclaimed after five years, the money will be transfered into the bank
treasury as unclaimed fund. The request of foreigner as next of kin in this
business is occassioned by the fact that the customer was a foreigner and a
Burkinabe cannot stand as next of kin to a foreigner. I therefore soliciting
for your assistance to come forward as the next of kin.

I have agreed that 45% of this money will be for you as the beneficiary in
respect of the provision of your Account and services rendered, 55% would be
for me while 5% will be for expencses incured during the cause of this
transaction If the money is transferred to your Account from bank of africa,
I and my family in this transaction will proceed immediately to your country
for our own share of the money.

I expect you to keep this business strictly confidential and secret as you
may wish to know that I am Bank official. Be rest assured that this business
is 100% risk free on both side and every arrangement to transfer this money
to the Account you are going to provide have been concluded provided we
maintain the confidentiality and secreceirity involved. Contact me on my
email address I am looking forward for your prompt response.

Yours faithfully,
Hassan Freed

MSN Messenger: appels gratuits de PC � PC !


From the desk of Mohan Kumar,
Chief Egghead,
Statutory Bank of India,

Dear Mr. Freed,
Re: Top Secret
Myself also has un proposal of similar nature for you. I
myself is the current holder of the designation of 'chief egghead'
of the great and all-powerful Statutory Bank of India. Howevaer, in
my bank, the great and all knowing Honourablest Government Of India
is depositing much amount of cash and other valuables for safe
keeping. This cash and other valuable is for the use of the great air
force of India's much esteemed fighter pilots - who are reffered to as
the Bhikharis.
Myself is in direct charge of these and other funds of similar
nature. The valuables deposited in this account amount to over 42 million
Central African Waginkas. This large and extremely useful amount is
available for the personal use of interested persons.
I am in the belif that a person of such high esteemation is just
the person I am in the looking for. If you are interested in the carryation
of this transaction, pleased you are requested to establish contact at
earliest time period.
Thanking You,
Yours Sincerely,
Mohan Kumar.
P.S. - Myself is not very good in english language. You are requested to overlook this shortcoming.

Lokta ekhono reply koreni!
Peace, Yo!


Deep (b4 chemotherapy)
Shounak: how dyu diff betn H2So4 n H2SO3?
Deep: ...*shrug* ami ki jani?
oders discuss varius wez 2 do it...sum1 suggests boil dem...2 get SO2 n SO3 4m dem
Shonak: Taholey..ogulor moddhye diff korbo ki korey?
Deep: (tyublyt finally lyts up) Label dekhe!

Deep: Slip korey gelam! (afta fy6)

Mohan (afta getting 4m): Hw phuchaarless can u get? evry1's 4m has a number printed on it...myn is handwritten....no phuchaar!

b4 hist test:
Dyud (to mohan): abar notun boi? Kinish keno re?
Mohan: 1st termey ekjon jherey dilo...notun kinlam...tarpor 2 mash porey ferot pelam...2nd termer agey..abar jhaplo...ami onnor jhepey dilam...selexionser agey abar jhepey dilo...abar kintey holo!!!

b4 EVE test:
same dyud: abar notun boi? no phuchaar
Mohan: 2 bar beeta diye test dialm...50 tultey parlam na....3rd tym ... last 10 chaps chirey fellam...tao 50 uthlo na...icser agey bujhlam je...last 10 chaps na thakley...5o uthbey na...
(Afta test) Dyuyd: koto uthbe?
Mohan: Notun boi kinlam keno? emnitei 50 uthe jeto!!!
10 mins l8r....
Mohan: ei...boi kinbi???

Neo: (tells a story abt parar bondhu)
Bondhu goes 2 nu maths tutz ...teacher marofies khisti...bondhu repliez wit choice ufemizmz ..bondhu gets parnt's call;
Prnts cum:
Teach: apnar chele toh amari moton kothabarta bolche!!!

ICSE: da board dat wurks so dat its stdents dont hav 2...
u rly thnk ppl r gonna blieve g. arathoon wen he sez dat da comp paper wont b tuff 4 bengal? esp wen OL da eazy qz came in da normal paper? ND afta da fy6 debacle??? sheesh...u'd xpekt dat ppl in positions of power wud hav a b8r idea abt da pulse of da ppl....sad....
Peace, Yo!

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Monday, March 19, 2007

Murfyz Law n oda related hypothsiz

Murfyz Law: If sumthing can go wrong...it will.
Mohan's Lemma: If der is 1 test u dun need tym 2 study 4...u will get ogadh shomoy 4 it..on de oda hand if u hav had no tym 2 study 4 a particular subject...u will b asked 2 xpound on anandamath's freedom fyting karakteritix...even tho anandamath was written in PRAISE OF BRITISH RUL

considaar dis:
der wer 3 subs i DID NOT need 2 study i.e. Maths, Science, n Comp
on da oda hand dese wer da subs i DID need 2 study: Eng 2, hist, geo, EVE
on ur 3rd hand...der was bangla..abt wch i rly did NOT care...

now considaar DIS:
days b4:
Maths: 2
Sc: >7
Comp: >>7

Eng 2: 0 (dats ryt.....N/A)
Hist : 2
Geo: 1
EVE: 1

so...we cum 2 da conclusion...dat murfyz law models lyf's occurances quite accur8ly...

Murfyz lyf histry...relevant lyf histry:
Murfy was a US air 4ce captain...huz primary job was lukin bizy wen his superiors walked past...but u c...he had a problem...he had NOTHING 2 do...dis made him bcum very pessimistik (dum ask wat da connexion is)...so he invented murfyz law... whyle changing da tyre pressure on his F-16...

Moral of da story? Dont pay millions of dolalrs 2 MIT n harvard...jus giv US fyter pylots a notebuk...u'll hav da grand yunified thoery of burgernomix in no tym...

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Saturday, March 10, 2007

Bangla Debacle...n ICSE doubt clearing...

Q: Giv 1 wurd 4 "buddhi bhalo chole"...sumthing lyk dat...
(Deep misreads da q....thnkz its "bhalo chole NA"...thnks 4 sumtym n wr8s:)
A: Tyublyt.

Q: Banan Shuddho koro: uni shroddheyo biddan byakti.
(Thnx 4 sumtym..."banan gulo toh thiki ache"..."kintu direct copy korley toh marx debe na ..modify kortey hobe")
A: Uni Shroddhyeo, Biddan Byakti...(note da comma)

(Same question...same thots)
A: Uni shroddheyo o biddan byakti....(note da 'o')

sees d l8er...thinks....probashi mane ki????? reads d q 1s more...
thinks it means....a person hu stays in d city....
sends it 2 a guy hu lives 10 blocks away wen d qs. reqd. d l8er 2 b sent 2 sum1 abroad!!!

Commentz abt da test:
Sourav: ICSE toh Bangla Olypiader thekeo tuff chilo!
Mohan: Phatiyechi....papertake...testta oto 4tun8 chilo nah...

Doubtz abt ICSE
Sum facts gleaned 4m da coucil websyt....
  • I have lost my original marksheet and certificate. Kindly let me know the procedure to obtain a duplicate marksheet. - ummm....hav u tried LOOKING 4 it? failing dat, hav u tried asking ur skool 4 it...assuming of kourse dat u hav a skool..
  • I have passed my 10th in 1980 which is lost while shifting to Bangalore. Kinly may i know the procedure as this will be helpful for my further studies. kindly do the needful. - 1980??? n ur asking abt frther studiez in 2007? get a lyf....or, b8r, get a job!! srsly, wat sorta person loses his/her marksheet? n wat 'needful' is da council supposed 2 do? dey dun even kno hu u r 4 petez sake...
  • i need to change my name in my 10th class certificate. kindly,tell me the procedure to be followed. - Step 1: Tell father u r changing ur name. Step 2: Kindly verify u r still alyv after conducting Step 1...Step 3: Nt required
  • I have not yet got my pass certificate for class 10th examination in which I appeared in the year 2005. What should I do? - STUDY!!!! chances r..dat ur gonna giv da xam agen DIS year
  • sir,i passed my 12th exam from ISC board in 2001.my overall % is 59.4 ie 3 marks less than 60%.i want to improve my percentage.how can i apply? - dun we ol wish we cud improve our marx? trust me m8....it aint dat easy...my suggestion is 2 axept dat u r a failure n move on wit wateva semblnce of a lyf u hav left...
  • sir may i have last 10 years paper through mail? - do u want fries wit dat 2?
  • Respected Sir, I (Name Edited) working as Sociology Teacher at Progressive Engilish School Sharjah, I hereby request you to please send me detail sylabus + detail study (How much in Detail - teach to 10th and 12th class). From school maill already send but so far no reply received. I appreciate if you send me details as soon as possible.. - u kno u study in a sad skool wen ur teacher doesnt kno da "sylabus"...srsly..."Engilish" skool?...also, how does a skool send "maill"??? i thnk i kno y "no reply received"...
  • Pls informn me the scheduled date for the board examination of class 10 in 2007. Some people are saying it is Feb. 16, 2007 and some people say it is March 01, 2007. We are quite unsure and therefore worried about the exact dates. Pls inform the date of exam on my e-mail Id or you can call me on 9*********. Thanks and looking forward to your quick reply please. - wtf? u giv out ur fone no. on da council websyt??? tok abt despogiri.... my gawd..hw despo r u 2 receive calls 4m strangers????
  • Is it necessary to pass in Environmental Education for the year 2007 to pass out 12+ examination? Council's answer: No, it is not necessary to pass but It is compulsory to appear for the Environmental Education Examination. - u kno dat da ejucashun system is bad...wen da COUNCIL admits dat it's not necessary 2 PASS ol subjects...
  • The syllebus of kg, if any. The result of Julien Day (Elgin Road)in the ICSE & ISC of 2005 and 2006, as I have admitted my son in kg of that school this year - KG? ummm...lemme c....putting ur hed on da table n sleeping....lurning 2 tie ur tie....not wetting ur pants...etc...
  • Hi I wanted to know how the 12 ISC exam results percentage is calculated. Basically , i took 5 papers for the exam (eng,maths,phy,chem and bio) but now i am told that percentage is calculated on 400 - that is english ,phy, chem and then maths or bio. can you please confirm this, plus where can i find the clause for this on the site, so that i can use it as proof later on when applying to universities. Council's Answer: The Council has no prescribed formula for calculating average percentages. - dis takes da cake....der is no 4mula 2 calc ur %age!!!
  • Dear Sir, I am staying in Mumbai. Can you Please provide me the advantage of ICSE pattern education. Over CBSE.... or Mumbai Board. - pray tell me, gud sir...wat is da "Mumbai Board"???? oh n da advantages? lemme c...ummm...*squirm* ...hw abt? u dun hav 2 pass in ol subjex n...ummm....*more squirming*..."no prescribed formula for calculating average percentages"....
  • i would like to know what kind of calculators may be used in exams - im gessing da kynd dat displayz numbers n stuff on da LCD screen....im not sure tho..u be8r chk it out..
Peace, Yo!